“I’m naked. I’m the boss.”

“Since I can’t have my best friend,
 I would like to date Carrie Fletcher.”  

{ Because yes, Amy. If you can’t date
someone you’ve known your whole
life, you sure as hell can get some
girl from another country who
doesn’t even know you exist. }

“So – A girl gets dumped and
 spends an entire week at KFC…
 Same, babe. Same.”

          “My mom made me watch ‘But I’m
           A Cheerleader’ in hopes it would
           change me – Clearly she should
           have watched the movie beforehand.
           I think it actually made me gayer.”

          _{“I don’t understand how people can do parkour. I fall walking up the stairs.”}

          _{“It’s a completely acceptable day to wear my donut shirt and no one can say shit about it. It’s great.”}

          _{“I don’t know why, but, I feel like being able to do the splits would be really satisfying.”}

          _{“I think the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me is ‘I can see the murder in your smile’. At least some people understand me.”}

          _{“Bananas that don’t peel properly is probably the most annoying things ever.”}

          _{“Haven’t you heard? I’m a sex addict.”}